NBA Season Preview: Southeast

Atlanta Hawks
MVP: Josh Childress
LVP: Tyron Lue

Mr.WEST: Clippers East. Well, at least Joe Johnson got his. The floundering Hawks have been a perennial NBA joke for years now, and the laughing continues this season after the team stockpiled dudes 6’6”-6’9” in hopes of winning the title for most small forwards. I suppose the decision to give Joe Johnson crazy money and sacrifice 2 first round picks, another player and cash is because he had one good year in Phoenix. But who really doubts the JJ should give half his money to Steve Nash?

The Hawks actually have a nice little nucleus of young talent like JJ, Childress, Josh Smith and Baby ?Al Harrington. Of course, this is the NBA so expecting these guys to play and develop together for a few years is a pipe dream only dimwits like Isiah Thomas can conjure up. With no point guard (Lue Who?) and no center (RIP Collier, hello Zaza!), the Hawks are lacking at key positions that provide a stability no amount of talented swingmen can match.

If you can name the coach of this team, I’ll buy you a drink. If you have ever actually bought a ticket to see the Hawks, I’d buy you two but you must be drunk already.

Mr.EAST: Yeah. I bought tickets for a game down there once. Knicks vs. Hawks. Y’know what happened? The Knicks sleep-walked through the game and roared back from a double digit deficit with seconds remaining. Allan Houston got fouled and missed the free throw that would have tied it and sent it to overtime. That’s the most interesting story you’ll hear about Atlanta this year. This is just one of the many franchises that should be either merged or dissolved. The players aren’t all that bad this year, but they’d all seem a lot better if they were shipped to other teams that actually matter.



Orlando
MVP: Dwight Howard
LVP: Grant Hill

Mr.EAST: Dwight Howard is a stud. How many times have I heard that word used in association with the young man’s name this offseason? It’s almost as if he’s poised to appear in a series of Jenna Jamison flicks instead of manning the post for the Orlando Magic in 2005-2006. The fact is, it’s true. This kid is a stud, and he’s actually slightly ahead of the Amare Stoudemire curve, if you can imagine that. Brian Hill’s commitment to inside-out basketball worked with Shaq and Penny, and now he’s hoping to revive his past success with a combination of Howard and Francis. Suffice it to say that the Magic will compete every night and while the playoffs may be a bit of a stretch, they will show a bright future as the young man in the middle becomes an All-Star.

I was tempted to make Stevie “Franchise” my LVP, but upon further review that’s bullshit. Everyone likes to pile on Francis for his decision making at the point and his inability to make anyone but Cuttino Mobley better. Steve Francis is not a point guard and really he should never have been expected to be one. He’s a scorer, and a damn good one. He’s not the #1 star you need to run your team, and the moniker “Franchise” is unfortunate and unfair. It stuck, and so he gets dumped on by the press. He can be a part of Orlando’s future success if Jameer Nelson steps up and handles the point position. I believe Nelson is a super talent and if Brian Hill recognizes it and pairs the two in the backcourt, something special may emerge.

My LVP is actually one of my favorites. Grant Hill can’t seem to get his body together to match his ability. If he could ever stay on the court for 75 games and go all out, he’d be the difference in pushing Orlando into the playoffs. There’s still the off chance that he could do it, but good logic suggests he won’t. For a guy brought in to be McGrady’s Pippen, Grant Hill has seen the fortunes of the Magic fold like his surgically repaired ankle.

Mr.WEST: Wow, Mike again makes sense. At this rate I will only think you are a dork not a moron. Dwight Howard is here. Maybe someone should tell that to Stevie Franchise. The shooting guard position for Orlando is a mess, and the patchwork small forward spot is messy because Grant Hill keeps bringing his Frankenstein ass back. Uh, Grant, hang it up. Orlando could maybe get to 40 wins but I think their coach is the typical recycled old dumb bastard who bores players and myself. The Magic are one swingman away from getting my attention.



Washington Bullets [never say Wizards!]
MVP: Gilbert Arenas
LVP: Brendan Haywood

Mr.WEST: Eddie Jordan was gonna make this team a winner. The Larry Hughes defection hurts but Hughes was no all-star anyway. What truly makes this team go is a model after the NJ Nets recent run to the NBA Finals—motion offense that runs when it can and also lets talent dictate who wins rather than taking talent away. Gilbert Arenas is the focal point on offense for Washington and the dude can light it up. His game may not benefit teammates a bunch but I do not buy this ballhog bullshit.

As the East has gotten stronger, the Bullets have kept relative pace with a telanted group such as Antawn, Caron Butler, and Antonio Daniels. What they need is some size that can go from basline to baseline in less than 20 seconds; Brendan Haywood can’t just be a semi-talented fat ass anymore if the Bullets wanna make Round 2 again.

DC could use a fun, good hoops team. These guys are definitely a tier-3 NBA squad capable of winning games but also capable of dicking around, too. They better stay healthy because that bench is real thin bu guy #7.

Mr.EAST: Good call on the “Bullets” name. This is one hard luck franchise that shouldn’t be merged or dissolved. DC needs a team, and there should be a law that makes it a Federal offense for the team to be under .500. Hughes leaving hurts, whatever you think of his individual value. He fit, and sometimes that’s all that matters. Caron Butler blows. He ain’t no Larry Hughes. What’s happening to Jared Jeffries? Wasn’t he supposed to be good? The only hope this squad has for the future is that Andre Blatche can pull a Paul Pierce are turn a point blank gunshot wound to the chest into 25 points, 7 rebounds, and 6 assists a night.



Charlotte
MVP: Emeka Okafor
LVP: Kareem Rush

Mr.EAST: I’ll come clean. I’ve never seen this team play. The thing is neither have you. Don’t bullshit me. All I know about the Bobcats is that they played their first year in the league last season and that they sucked. Sure, I know the players names and I’ve looked at the boxscores, desperately searching for anyone of fantasy value in the basketball badlands of expansiondom. I know that Emeka Okafor has a bright future and that they drafted a couple of NCAA champion Tar Heels. I know that they have the kind of uniforms that appear in generic basketball video games which don’t have NBA licensing permission.

The pieces seem to fit on paper though. That’s the thing that interests me. They started with a big man, and have followed up with a good point guard prospect. There’s not much else filling in the gaps in Charlotte, but they can work it all out over the course of the next 5 years. Raymond Felton, Emeka Okafor, and Sean May against the world. I hear Melvin Ely has shed 20 pounds and is ready to play. Primos Brezec has another year under his belt and should improve. Gerald Wallace is still 22 or 23 years old and supremely talented. Yadda, yadda, yadda……

Okay. Enough idle chatter. My LVP is Kareem Rush, because I don’t know what the Bobcats see in the guy. He seems like an undersized shooting guard with poor ball handling skills. Kind of a Gerald Wilkins without the smooth in his game. The team seems to think he’ll turn into a player in the future, but I’ll bet he’s playing with Gerald Wilkins and Harold Miner in a couple of years.

Mr.WEST: No love for the Bobcats. Why the NBA insists on a team in this busted city is beyond me—a bunch of scared crackers engaged in white flight as the city of Charlotte sits stagnant as past racial practices are quickly forgotten. Ha! Why would anyone care about this squad? Oh yeah you play fantasy hoops and you have one of these dudes on your squad. Yawn. 20 win? That’s about right.



Miami Heat
MVP:
LVP:

Mr.WEST: Pat Riley saw an opening and took it: this team was one game away form the Finals but he took a chance to rebuild his entire supporting cast for super combo Shaq and Wade. Hello ‘Toine, Jason Williams, James Posey and Gary Payton. On paper, this team has a chance to win 70 games.

But they will win low 60’s. And wisely so. Assuming that Coach Van Gundy continues his tough ways and Riley lets no punk ass player think he is better than the team, then the Heat will look to coast for much of the season. Listen, people, the NBA is all about the playoffs, OK ? So a deep rotation will be used here to ensure that Shaq is not hobbled in the playoffs like the past few years. Big Daddy is an utter force so he must be protected. Same goes for Wade. Look for the Heat to let fatso ‘Toine shine early on and then bench his ass in the 4th quarter as the season progresses.

We all know only the Pistons and Pacers can challenge the Heat in the East. It’s as if 3 tough kids all live in the same area and we KNOW they’re gonna throw down soon. The Heat have the biggest fists around but just have to learn to throw them right. We’ll see.

Mr.EAST: Shaq, Wade, and a big steaming pile of crap. That’s the Miami Heat. They fucked up when they dumped Eddie and Damon Jones. Then, they fucked up again by picking up a couple of total losers in Antoine “The Bride of Chucky” Walker and White Chuck-late. Yeah, Eddie and Damon were, at best, role players balancing on the edge of obscurity with the Heat, but every team needs specialists when they have MVP types like Diesel and D-Wade. They’ll win plenty of games this year, but not as many as people think. They’ll also get bounced in the playoffs because both the Pistons and the Pacers’ lineups make more sense than theirs.